Spontaneous Praise

Okay, better late than never. I've been sans internet this week. Henceforth, my Easter blog...




Easter Sunday. After church, after brunch -- we’re all in a food coma. We decide to walk through the Marina, head down to the beach. A perfect day, the breeze keeping a hot sun bearable, along with the light cloud cover. The frisbee is tossed, attempting a rally, but it’s hit or miss. Sometimes it becomes a round boomerang.

We tire. Larry runs to the shoreline, tests the sand.

Then a miracle happens.

A real, live act of worship. Larry’s got a gift, you see. He can manipulate sand like no one else. It came quickly, an inspiration, combined with imagination and talent...a scant ten minutes later, a foot-tall arch of sand stood by the waves, barely holding itself up.

And it was beautiful. I was moved almost to the point of tears. Creativity given back to God -- who gave the creativity in the first place. It wasn’t planned, it certainly wasn’t self-seeking (the sculpture washes away quickly, gone almost as soon as it’s built, sometimes sooner). It was a heart-felt ‘thank you’ to the Creator, for this thing called life.

Who knew a small Indian man would be so tiring?

Did I mention I have a new job?

I'm working part-time as a personal care attendent (that's PCA to you!) for a guy named Sumit (again, Sue-Meet).

He's a 29-year-old aspiring writer who has cerebral palsy and chronic fatigue syndrome. He needs two canes to walk, and it sometimes takes him a few seconds to get his brain to send the appropriate signals to whatever part of his body he needs to move.

He's got a fascinating story -- grew up in London with strict Hindu parents. Lived in Budapest for two years during his teens. Was pretty much disowned by his father when he converted to Christianity. Majored in business and finance at USC but still cannot get a job in corporate America (is anyone surprised?). He can't even really work at all because he cannot stay awake long enough to get anything done. Due to the screwed-up health care system in this country, he can't even get the appropriate doctors to help him.

But he's got a sharp mind, a generous spirit, and a really wicked sense of humor. It's probably the best four hours of my day. I put his socks on in the morning so his feet don't get cold. I give him a shave every few days (that was scary the first time around). I make him breakfast. I wash his feet and clip his toenails, which I thought would be gross, but is really quite cool. I help him get dressed (yes I see him naked -- no I don't care).

It's a joy of a job. It's tiring (surprisingly), but it's WAY better than sitting in front of a computer all day...

living in the moment

Navel-gazing -- self obsession is such a disease.

Worrying about past mistakes, worrying about future uncertainties. Worrying, even that friends aren't going to want to hear about it, because 'dammit Sandra, you've been going on about this for awhile now, just learn your lesson and move on.'

Actually, no. Those are only the voices in my own head.

Just stop worrying. Accept the mistakes, TRUST that God has got the future under control, and carpe diem -- seize that moment, whichever one you're in.

God's not about taking things away -- about punishment. But if we're to live out our purposes for life, he does demand our trust. And the acceptance that his grace is sufficient -- always. Which is so hard, it's so much easier to have a real-live human to be accountable to. God seems so...far away.

But trust. That's the new phase I'm entering -- that's the radical shift in modus operandi. It can be discouraging -- two steps forward, one step back. It's so easy to slide back into the old mode. But realization is the first step, then the long struggle.

Which doesn't mean life gets put on hold, either. I think that's the thing to remember. Absolute clarity isn't going to be granted -- not hardly. But one foot forward, even a half step. One page at a time, no one word at a time. Don't know about the outcome, don't have to (and be patient!). All there is to do is live in the moment.

This Is Not A Black And White World

Some fun with the digital camera yielded some nice results last weekend...








More here.

wearing green

I had totally forgotten it's St. Patrick's Day today until Christina came into the kitchen wearing a green t-shirt. It's funny, though, because I've been making a U2 mix cd for the car this morning -- subliminal? Perhaps.

I remember growing up, some local television station showed The Quiet Man every single St. Patrick's Day, which my mother would have on in the morning before school. I thought John Wayne was Irish for a long time.

So, wear some green, drink a Guinness, listen to the Waterboys. Good times, y'all.

On the Horizon

As much as I like unemployment, I think maybe earning a living would be good, no?

The idea of getting another P.A. job makes my insides curddle, to be honest. So, I'm trying a new profession -- caregiver.

I'm meeting with Sumit (that's 'sue-meet,' not the top of a ridge) tomorrow. He's parapelegic and needs help getting ready in the morning.

This does not mean I no longer have a heart for Hollywood, far from it. But I want to write, not be someone's glorified slave. And I'm still writing, and cannot wait to see where that goes. In fact, I'm applying to an intensive screenwriting program called Act One, which is held in the summer. It's for Christian writers who have a passion to work in the mainstream entertainment industry. My roommate Christina has been accepted, and I figured, why not, it can't hurt.

a thank you list

So, when routing around in the dark, seeking out which direction to take and words to say, I think it's really easy to forget to be grateful for things.

With that, here's a meager list of things that I can think to be thankful of right this minute...


Friends who are concerned about my well-being (thank you!!).
A beautiful apartment to live in.
The blanket on my lap.
The heater at my feet.
Three amazing women to live in community with.
A brand new roommate named Elizabeth.
Bananas.
Second, third, fourth...18th chances.
Vanilla soymilk.
The sunshine.
The ocean.
A car in which to drive to the ocean.
Eyes and ears with which to see and hear the ocean.
Being unemployed so I have the time to write and walk around and visit museums and do what I want.
Well-made films.
My laptop.
A job at the time that allowed me to afford said laptop.
Abbot's Habit.
Coffee.
A neighborhood fit for walking.
And a twilight during which to walk around in it.
A natural foods store close by.
A friend who works at said store.

Okay...this is so imcomplete, it's not even funny. But it's a start.

a weak week

I house-sat for the Smiths again this week, but I'm back home now (6th St., that is). It was a good/bad/sad/reflective week. After getting knocked on my ass at the beginning of the week, I've had to go and take a really hard look at what my life's been about for the past few months. It is, what seems to be, the end of a friendship -- which is both painful and heartbreaking (that's a winning combination). Mostly because I'm not sure what to say, or if anything else can be said, especially since it seems like everything I've been saying is making things worse and not better. What makes it even more confusing is that I felt so much like God was blessing this whole endeavor -- I prayed and He provided -- I saw Him move. But, I suppose if I believe that God was working three months ago, and three weeks ago, that must mean that He's still working now, right? Yes, I'm not saying no, but that's the mysterious way that He works -- as in, we cannot predict, let alone comprehend sometimes, what He's got up His sleeve. And I don't begrudge this person anything. I really cherish the time I spent getting to know them, and it sucks ass that we can't seem to communicate our way through this. But at the same time I know I formed a rather unhealthy attachment -- something I didn't even realize until a friend of mine pointed it out to me, as in 'Sandra, you know this is the only thing you talk about anymore, right?' Oh, really? I thought I was just being passionate and committed. Well, God's a jealous God, too -- unwilling to share me with anyone or anything. Okay, so maybe I still need to be taught the BIG lessons -- like things have to reach crisis point before I even realize there's anything amiss. Typical, we humans are so hard to teach. I feel very much like a 24-year-old child (thank you, Snow Patrol), careening through life, taking other people out as I go. And don't get me wrong, I know this isn't all my doing -- it does take two to tango, but I guess after midnight it's easy to get hard on one's self. I guess I don't want to think that while God was spending time teaching me things, that He would use others as ballast in a way -- meaning, I hope this does not turn said individual away from people who have similar beliefs that I do because of what's transpired. Oh, that's such a fear that I have. Again, I know, it's all under control...So, I did do a lot of sleeping this week, as an avoidance technique -- try it, it works! I also watched Bend it Like Beckham three times (don't ask me why), The Return of the King extended version (Pippen is still my favorite Hobbit), Shaun of the Dead (I love zombie comedies) and Elizabeth (Cate Blanchet is amazing). As well as an inordinate amount of the Real World Philedelphia -- I swear I haven't watched TV in so long. I also got my haircut today. It's short, like boy-short. Not pixie-short, but we're talking like chin length. Watch out, it's damned cute. Don't get too close to it, the heat radiating off of me might hurt you. It's serious rockstar-quality. Melissa at Ohm Salon -- you are the greatest! I went in and said -- 'I need a new look for a new phase,' and three-pluse hours later, I came out looking like a new woman. She colored it too, that's why it look so long, and yes, I did pay an obscene amount of money for it, considering I'm unemployed, or really in spite of being unemployed...I guess a lot of what's happened stems directly from issues of self-image and my continued belief in certain lies that have been told to me about myself since I was very young. There comes a point, when you're the "fat kid" in school, that you'll do just about anything to keep people happy. Well, not anything, self respect does kick in after awhile, but not until after you've attracted some rather oportunistic people. I will say, this has extended into adult life, even after losing 100+ pounds. All I have to say here is that the mind takes a long time to catch up to the body. And this is not to say also that I let myself get taken advantage of here, I don't necessarily think that was the case. But, I would also say that this attitude has kept me from truly trusting God with my life, and believing that He made me with purpose and He gives me purpose and that's not going to come from anywhere else. And (ps), I'm not sitting here saying 'woe is me, I think I'm ugly' -- no. I know I'm not, it's just lingering body image issues -- you ladies understand, I know you do. But yes, here I type to you, fearfully and beautifully made in the image and likeness of God -- He knows what He's doing with me. He gave me talents and passions and directions and dreams. What I can accomplish through Him -- amazing...Last night, my roommate Christina had two shorts screen at the Damah Film Festival. At the afterparty, my friend Chris and I were talking about how inspiring it was to see those films -- to see finished products and think 'I could do that.' And I can, and I will. This is what's great about right now -- I have the opportunity to reinvent, to collaborate anew or take things off in my own direction. Clean slate (who's philosophy was that, again?).

Okay, the train of thought is coming to a close (derailment? Oh, maybe it's too late for that). To paraphrase Jason Lee in Vanilla Sky -- 'the sweet ain't as sweet without the sour.'

And no, I haven't been drinking.

(Editor's note -- added 3/23...the world really isn't so black and white, things not so drastic, situations never so dire. Patience and trust -- and the willingness to let things go and let them come back. Letting God work and NOT jumping to conclusions -- yeah, that's the way to go.)

this is the great thing about iTunes

Remember The Mavericks? The mid-90s country band?

Man, they were good. My brother and I used to love them, back when we were into country music. If you get a chance, listen to their album Music for All Occasions, it holds up, a stellar record.

I'm like a cat, I land on my feet.

Gather around kids, it's story time...


So, last Thursday, my friend Amber calls me and asks me if I'm working anywhere.

I answer, "well, I'm busy, but I don't exactly have an income stream, if that's what you mean by working."

Long story short, she was calling to offer me a part-time (five hours a day), temporary (2 week) job as a writer's assistant on a documentary about climate change and global warming.

I check my bank account, I think about things, I agree. Cool.

Fast forward to Sunday night, when I am watching the Oscars (Don Cheadle was robbed!) with my new roommates, and am suddenly overcome with a sickness so horrible, I can't remember the last time I felt so bad.

So much for work on Monday...or Tuesday...

Although, I do speak with the writer, Elinor, over the phone and she sets me doing some research on melting ice sheets and warming ocean currents. She's demanding, but very nice. We agree to meet at the office on Wednesday.

I finally manage two full (half) days at the office. And it's good -- I know how to use Lexis-Nexis, I give mean script notes -- she's happy.

This morning, while I'm in the shower, Elinor calls. I call back, expecting her to tell me to come to her house in Venice to work today, instead of the office. Nope...

Instead, she essentially lays me off. Nice. Basically, she has to stop writing for a bit and do some producing and research of her own. Since she only has a certain number of days allocated to having an assistant, she can't have me work right now.

I was so shocked, I started laughing. Not at her, but after I got off the phone. I ran out of my room and yelled "Michelle (my roommate), I just got fired!"

And I'm still laughing...and not in a funny-ha-ha kind of way, either.

I'm so confused! In fact, I've never been so confused about what was happening in my life as I've been for the past few days. What is going on? Everything is getting turned around and upside down.

I'm (surprisingly) not feeling so tragic about things -- I say it here myself, "sometimes having your life shaken up is the greatest gift of all."

True, and I'm honestly not all that worried (deep down) but does it have to happen all at once?

gazing down the oral care aisle

Why does it take so long to pick out a toothbrush? They make it so complicated -- the packaging, the colors, the bristles, the number of rows -- and they all do the EXACT SAME THING (Toothpaste too, truly). There should be one standardized toothbrush size and shape -- regulation-like. No choice at all.