New Music Mondays

Here are the CDs I'm hoping to find on my next visit to Amoeba:

Ulrich Schnauss -- Strangley Isolated Places
John Legend -- Get Lifted
Peter Gabriel -- So
Stereo MCs -- Connected (remember that one from the early 90s? I had it on tape, believe it or not)
The Killers -- Hot Fuss



(ps) This is the last time I'm changing my blog title, I promise (sorry Larry!)

Iraq is holding open elections today for the first time in over 50 years.

the nervous tick is coming

I'm a worrier.

No, not warrior, WORRIER (workin' on the other one, natch).

Yeah, really.

Don't let the calm, laid-back facade fool you, 'cause on the inside, I'm neurotic enough to star in my very own Woody Allen movie, truly.

Some say it's cute and/or charming, the neuroses. Even my Dad says "well, let's just say it's a part of who you are." No! I don't think it's cute at all. I'm probably the one who's most annoyed of anyone..."Sandra, get it together! You're only torturing yourself."

Some of you might find this surprising -- sure I give good council to friends and loved-ones, the one people turn to in times of confusion or crisis. But in my own life, sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees.

This, I think is due in part to my extreme impatience -- I want everything figured out five minutes ago! "They" say good things come to those who wait, though in my equation wait does not equal good. And true, God's timing is exquisite (way better than mine).

I'm learning, learning, learning...

See, it's an issue of doubt vs. discernment.

Doubt, I once heard best described as "brain fear." Doubt comes from overthinking. It leads to paralysis, it won't help you get anything done, and will in fact, undermine the good work you do. You'll never get ahead doing anything if you let your mind be plagued by doubt.

Discernment, on the other hand is kinda like intuition. It sends up the red flags. Discernment's good. It's less your head and more often your heart leading you in the right direction.

I'm better acquainted with doubt, but discernment and I are becoming pretty good friends.

like throwing candy from the parade float

Google is insisting that I give away my 10 Gmail invites.

Any takers?

I take cash, personal checks (cheques?) and most major credit cards...

Oops, wait, these are free.

Just leave comment or send me an email telling me in 200 words or less why I should give YOU your very own Gmail account.

(all snarkiness and "cool kid" status aside, Gmail is, infact, a pretty nifty email program)

cause and effect

I'm trying to get rid of this cold -- pronto. I slept for ten straight hours last night (it seems to have helped). When I got up this morning, I went in my bare feet to take the trash out and was quite surprised to find that it had rained sometime overnight and the ground was wet!

As I was getting ready for work, I started thinking about how I automatically assumed that if the ground is wet, it's been raining. I hadn't heard the rain last night, even though it usually hits the ground pretty hard coming off the eaves. However, I still didn't stop to wonder who had left a misdirected sprinkler on too long or where the overflowing washing machine was. That makes me wonder what else we take for granted -- any thoughts?

Also this morning, on an unrelated note, a suicidal man drove his truck onto some commuter train tracks. However, he decided not to kill himself, so he jumped out of his truck, leaving it on the tracks. The train that hit his truck derailed, hitting another train and killing ten people. That seems so cowardly -- sure it's great that this man decided his life was worth more than to take it by his own hand, but c'mon, man...something that could have been a true joyous occasion turned into a real tragedy.

flip flops and an over coat

Yup. I'm a little stuffy-headed, cold-like.

It's strange having the sniffles when it's warm out. I don't like wearing shoes, and the advent of sandal season is upon us. So out come the flip flops, but then out comes the over coat and scarf and space heater near my feet, 'cause well, I AM sick.

Hot tea and orange juice. Chicken soup and ice cream. It's that kind of dichotomy here.

I blame my recent house guests, bringing in their foreign germs from far away places like Minnesota. They're gone, finally, but it was great having them. I was thinking the other day that I've known Kevin since I was FIVE, making that 19 years -- I've only known my family as long.

Sunday Morning, 7AM

A "short break" at 1:30 in the morning, and the next thing I knew, it was 5AM.


I took advantage of the early morning and went for a walk through the canals (yes, Venice really has canals) on the way to the beach.

the week in pictures

The clouds yesterday were looking decidedly Vanilla Sky. All day the quality of light was so strange yet so beautiful. Sunset was equally stunning, but I didn't have a chance to grab my camera at the time.


This is Annelies. She was in town on business this week. I cut out of work early yesterday so we could spend a couple of hours together, then I dropped her off at the airport. This is becoming something of a common occurence.

Wishlist

1. a hug
2. a deep tissue massage
3. a vacation

If you can help with any of these, you let me know.

One for the easily amused.

Uttered whilst discussing 1980s pop songs with coworkers...

"That's not Wham!, that's Wang Chung."

Think about that. Repeat it if you have to. Delight in the sheer silliness of that statement. What were those musicians thinking?!

There are two strange men in my apartment

Well, they're not really strange...okay, at least they're not strangers.

One of my best friends, Levon, moved here this past weekend. I offered to let him use my half-empty apartment as a sort of base camp while he gets on his feet -- about a week. Saturday, the day before he came, he called to say that our friend from high school, Kevin, was moving here, too.

"Umm, okay. As long as he doesn't stay here."

Last night, before Kevin got into town, he called to say that his plans fell through, and he had nowhere to stay. Levon and I looked at one another and were both thinking the same thing: How far does grace extend? Do we bend to the whims of someone who's stuck in a hard situation due to lack of planning? He's a "responsible" 25-year-old, let him figure it out...

Long story short, we both decided the only decent thing to do would be to let Kevin stay the night.

But Sandra, aren't you in the middle of a big project, one that requires a lot of solitary time away from any distraction? Aren't two old friends going to be more than a little distracting?

Well yeah, but that's okay, because starting tonight, I'm house/dog sitting for the Smiths -- until Saturday. So, I decided to let both Levon and Kevin house-sit my apartment while I'm gone, giving them ample time to find something, hopefully. Having Kevin around is really a blessing -- he gets Levon totally out of my hair.

And that's not to sound insensitive, but there's plenty of time for that later. Right now is the time to focus.

So there you have it. Now, as long as they don't burn the place down...

I'm so happy right now.

Maybe because it's January, and it's 70 degrees out, and I'm rediscovering the joy of driving around with the windows down.

Maybe because one of my best friends from high school just moved to Los Angeles, and he brought the amazingly beautiful soundtrack to an Australian film called Somersault with him.

Maybe because it's really good to feel cared for, and to have people I can care for in return.


Maybe all of the above...yeah that might be it.

I'm...

I'm sore because I started in with the free weights again the other day.
I'm struck by the fact that my hand looks just like my dad's hand in that photograph.
I'm anxious for this job to end, the monotony of driving past the same things twice a day is finally getting to me.
I'm moving at the end of February.
I'm living off $96 until next Friday.
I'm happy that I didn't have to be warmed by electricity or gas today, but that the sun did it's job.
I'm glad to see Saucy Gillespie back!
I'm in love with whoever invented text messaging.
I'm tucking into my second long weekend of writing.
I'm about to go home now.

My Scar

Some of you may remember when I cut my hand open about a month ago. Here's all that remains (still pretty impressive as far as scars go, I feel).

Another five pages down. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to have some green tea soy milk and go to bed now...

It finally stopped raining...

New Name

So I decided I'd had enough of the name "Saucy Drunk Suse," seeing as the name no longer really applies. I was never really much of a drinker to beging with (shut up, Laura), and well...it's my blog and I can do whatever I damn-well please, anyway.

I made a lot of headway this weekend, and tonight was especially productive (from an idea standpoint, anyhow). I'm right on schedule (say it the British way).

In light of this, it's time for another photo post. Oh, did I tell you I got a digital camera for Christmas? After figuring out that formatting the CF card means losing all the images stored on it (Oops, Chan wedding photos -- SORRY!), I finally got around to connecting USB cable between camera and computer.

Here I share a few results:


The Work


Struggling with work


Here's the drive to the day job


Ethical Drugs


Step into the light...

the life of a scribe

Below, an email I sent to Adam this morning about the nature of the writer's life.


Hiya, Bub...

Firstly -- squashing hobbits? Ha-ha, yes I'm sure they might.

Let me ask you something...Is writing something that's really
enjoyable for you? Like when you're in the thick of it, slogging
through page after page of crap, sitting there for 12 hours to find
those 15 minutes of inspiration...do you think to yourself 'there is
nowhere else I want to be?'

The reason I'm asking is that last night I was talking to a good
friend of mine who also happens to be a writer. He and I are of
similar temperment and as far as I can tell, we have similar
approaches to the "craft" as well. I just want to get your opinion
on it. I came to the conclusion that writing may not always be "fun,"
but rather it's something that needs to be done. I mean, taking the
pen (or keyboard) away from the writer is like clipping the wings of a
bird or telling a fish it can't swim. It's in the blood, isn't it?
It's ultimately satisfying, the process, even though it takes a shit
load of hard work to get there.

I'm learning not to freak out when I sit down and have no idea where I
should go next, or when I literally write myself to a standstill and
have to go back to my notes, or just sit and think about it, or go
find more research. 'Cause like we were talking about before, ideas
can't be forced, inspiration can't be call upon at a moment's notice.
It's a slow process -- not a sprint, but an endurance race. Stories
and characters need to be cultivated and given time to grow. My
friend liken it to raising a baby (he's got one) in that way.

I've been learning so much good stuff through this process already,
and I just wanted to share it with you. I can't wait for you to read
what I've got when I get done.

Hope all your wheelings and dealings are going well today.

sandra

(ps) When you were in New Zealand, what would you say the ratio of
pakehas to Maoris was?

My brain and body are slowly adjusting to the lack of sleep, and I'm learning that I don't necessarily need to work at a fevered pace all the time. The ideas don't come that way, anyway. They come at the most random moments, and sometimes it's better to rest rather than force things, because that's usually futile and ultimately unproductive.

I've become a "regular" at my local coffee place, Abbot's Habit. The morning guys, both named Paul both greet me by name and exchange pleasantries. I've never been a regular anywhere before, so it's a decidedly cool thing. It makes the neighborhood feel more like a community. It makes me not want to leave Venice even more. And hopefully I won't have to, since I have two people coming to look at the place tonight.

four hours

Four hours of sleep.

Four hours between writing and waking, brain dense with fog and a head that feels five pounds heavier.

Wait, what am I working on again? Coffee, tea, even a Diet Coke -- get the caffeine rush. Feeling the cold outside, and it's cold inside, too. It seeps into the bones, the damp and chill.

Can I maintain this? Only a month, for now, but the days stretch out to weeks as the days get longer because I experience more of them. A sacrifice, to be sure, and for what? Well, it's worth finding out. 'Cause when that inspiration hits, when I settle into the hot spot, it's...magic? Heaven?

Heavenly, to be sure, each word a small step in creating something greater than myself. Puzzle pieces falling together, filling in blanks and forming a clear picture, a clear story.

...and this is what happens when I decide to jump into the river

I saw my good friend Amber yesterday. She goes to Mosaic as well, and after the service was over, she plopped down next to me and looked at me like she knew I had something to tell her.

Of course I did. I haven't had a good chat with her in a few months, so I caught her up on Crossover and everything surrounding it. I told her that I finally felt like I was ready to just let God take my hand and lead me where I should go. Life, I feel, is much more interesting when we allow ourselves to simply trust Him to know what he's doing and let Him work, all the while being faithful in the tasks he gives. I wondered to Amber why more people don't give themselves over to that, in that while it's definitely not a sane or safe way to live life, it's still a lot more exciting. She likened it to the idea that most people are content to just playing on the banks of the stream, while others jump feet first and let the current sweep them away.

Swept away indeed. I feel positively consumed by this project. Adam called tonight and said that a partner in New Zealand wasn't digging the script in the current form. From the notes I read, I wasn't surprised, and had in fact, surmised similar things on my own read throughs of the story. All the elements are there, and I liken it to remodeling. I'm not coming in to tear the house down, it's now my job to rebuild parts, add-on a few new ones, take some the bad ones down and generally leave the finish product looking different (and hopefully better) yet still recognizable to the original.

I think I'll going to age five years in the next month.

New Year's is really just another day

There's something so utterly anti-climactic about New Year's. I don't think it should take a specific calendar day to decide that you want to make changes to your life. I really think it's just another excuse for people to party and be social -- and really, who can blame them? Especially with the global disaster that's hit Asia -- it seems strange to see images of the devestation juxtaposed with people rowdy with revelry. Maybe it's just another chance at release (or is that relief?).

This weekend was a fun one. My friends David and Alina got married yesterday. Thursday evening we gathered for the rehearsal and then a traditional eight-course Chinese (David's last name is Chan) dinner. I don't think I've ever eaten so much in my life -- I was about ready to be done by, oh I don't know, course five, but it just kept on coming.

New Year's Eve I went to a loft party downtown that some friends were hosting. It was semi-formal, so I was rocking the whole Fellini vibe -- little strapless number, buxom bombshell look. But midnight hit, the champagne popped, and then I was ready to crawl into my pjs.

And that was fine, because yesterday was wedding day, and a full 11 hours on my feet. It all went off beautifully. Alina's family is truly charming, especially her younger sisters. It was a busy day of setting up the reception room, decorating the church, and putting bouquets together. These are truly two people who are meant to be together, and it was incredible to see the love they share for one another. So, they're off on their honeymoon, and Alina's flowers are hanging in my apartment, drying.

2005, I believe, will be a year of great changes. I feel I've already begun the journey to living a life that's full of God-breathed adventure and richness and blessing. A year of challenges and triumphs -- some of which have already come. It's already the 2nd, and I have not payed rent, nor do I know where that money is going to come from. I'm also looking at being unemployed by the end of this month. Daunting, yes, but I know those things will be provided for when the time comes. Crossover is the main priority now -- the genesis of much of the good stuff to come, I believe.