Breather

Wow, it's nearly 5:00pm, and it's the first time I've gotten a real chance to breathe a bit today.

I started this morning in tears -- tears of joy. There have been so many good, amazing opportunities opening up lately. There's still a lot of uncertainty right now, but I'm not scared, I'm excited. I feel passionate about the way things are headed and what I'm trying to do, I see only good things ahead.

Which is not to say there won't be stumbling blocks -- tomorrow is the 1st, and I still don't know how I'm going to pull together rent from my still-imaginary roommate. Several people have shown interest in the room in the last few days, but if anyone has a spare $645 sitting around, send it on over in the meantime. Yikes, I haven't had to concern myself with money like this for over a year, and it's freaking me out a little. But if I've learned anything in the meager 24 years I've been roaming about in this world, it's that God does provide in weird and wonderous ways, and this will be no different.

Although, that doesn't mean I don't sweat it out sometimes...such is the human mind, given to crippling doubt, or 'brain fear,' as I like to call it.

I'm firing on all cylinders today -- I love it. Although, I did forget that today was my mother's 63rd birthday...D'OH! Happy Birthday, Mom, I love you.

Random Notes, aka, Mental Diarrhea, aka, Some Un-deep Thoughts

I want to make love to my space heater right now.

The term "Made In Italy" does not automatically denote quality.

Jesse bestowed upon me the new nickname "Jambo," but I prefer Suse.

I bought new aviator shades at lunch today to block out the harsh winter sunlight. They are smashingly fabulous, I look like a rock star.

What is Thanksgiving without turkey under my fingernails and paint on my feet?

So far this holiday weekend, I have had the traditional "Thanksgiving meal" three times. I'm really getting sick of turkey and cranberry, that much I can tell you.

I have also been helping various friends out with various things as they all move on into various stage in their various lives. To wit, I helped Nina and her husband Dan paint rooms in their new house. They're still a relatively young couple -- married for five years, both in their late 20s. This is their first real house -- three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a big backyard -- a real home, one they can grow into in the next few years, with the inevitable arrival of children and such. Yesterday, I also took some photos of my friends David and Alina, who are getting married in January, outside the church where the wedding is being held. Another milestone of life, that one.

And I'm happy for them, I love my friends dearly, and I'm grateful to them for their friendship in return. But at the same time, I couldn't help but be distracted yesterday by the changes going on in my own life. The restlessness of feeling like I'm on the verge of something big -- feeling like I'm in need of a new phase of my own, but not necessarily certain from what direction it's going to come. This is equal parts exhilirating and frightening -- to see a world of possibility in front of you and knowing that it's your time to work for something great. I think everyone gets to a certain point in their life where they realize they can't go back to doing things the same way -- growing pains. Or metamorphisis might be a better term here, actually...lowly caterpillar turning into a butterfly, capable of flight, no longer having to inch along with 100 little feet working in tandem.

And I am infinitely hopeful, capable of so much more than I can even dream, that much I can tell you, too.

Feeling a little under the weather today -- a dull ache right above my eyebrows, sort of like very small people are running around behind my eyeballs, wearing very pointy shoes.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow -- probably my most favorite holiday. Less for the food and festivities, but because it's a holiday where I get to start making my own traditions, separate from my parents. That, plus my inner child has always liked the Macy's parade -- something about it just makes me feel good.

I miss the quiet pace of Oregon, I'm glad to be going back soon, even if just for a little while.

Finishing out the weekend

I wanted to finish my weekend triptych yesterday, but I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted (more on that later) that all I wanted to do last night was sleep.

Saturday evening, I saw my friend Rachel for the first time in a little over a year. We know each other from our days together as Heyday Films interns. We had dinner in Brentwood, where we got stuck out on the patio in the rain (oops), but had fun catching up anyway. Afterwards, we went back to my place, where she stayed over. Sunday morning, we had breakfast at the Rose Cafe in Santa Monica, then spent some time walking around the Main Street area and the farmer's market which turned out to be a little anticlimactic (but fun anyway). A torrential downpour came through Saturday night (I really don't think I've ever seen it rain so much here), rendering the sky crystal-clear and the air chilly -- it finally feels like Fall. It's such a great time to be here.

Like building sand castles in the sky, but only on the ground.

Originally uploaded by Saucy Suse.

How did I get here again? Yesterday found me on the beach, in late fall, as I was just a few weeks ago. It was unintentioned, really -- I had spent the morning reading and writing a bit at the Habit, then went to pick up the test reels I took with my new camera (not bad -- hit or miss), and to the library to pick up a few more books to add to the ever-growing pile.

Somewhere around that time, I remembered that Larry was doing a sand sculpture, so I figured I'd go down to the breakwater and see how it was going. As he said, there he was -- mad-man white hair and his trusty Utilikilt. We spent a couple of hours chatting while he carved intricate patterns into his column of tightly-packed sand. He's new to the blogging world, and we had a good discussion about the community aspect of a blog and some of the unexpected things (mostly good) that come from having one.

People came by, asking questions. Most noteably a French body builder, Alain, who wanted me to take a few photos of him by the surf (which I did). And an old woman who mistakenly thought I was Larry's child -- the thought of which, while biologically possible, only managed to give us a good chuckle. Later, Rich and George, Larry's usual partners in crime showed up. I got a little too cold by about 3:00, and headed home.

My favorite part of the day, I have to admit, was taking photos with Larry's new camera, the Canon EOS 1D, possibly the best and most expensive camera I've ever used. Wow, I'm not much of a materialist, but that's a camera to have dreams about.

I am an American aquarium drinker...

Friday night, Corey and I saw Wilco at the historic Wiltern Theatre.

Now, I'm not a Jeff-Tweedy-is-the-next-rock-god-messiah groupie (I leave that up to Bono), but he knows a thing or two about songwriting, and his band knows a thing or two about old-fashioned rockin' out. They're not even one of my favorite bands, really, but they were easily one of the best live acts I've seen. These days, because of the technology, musicians can be great in the studio -- what with all the tweaking and such, but terrible once they're on stage. Not these guys -- they were spot on the entire time, hitting every mark, merging melody and structure with 10-minute overtures of piercing guitar feedback.

They played a solid two-and-a-half hours of music. The highlights for me were the "Hummingbirds"/"Muzzle of Bees" set, "I am Trying to Break Your Heart," and the insane feedback of "Spiders (Kidsmoke)." After two encores and a finale of Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear the Reaper," they had truly brought down the house.

An unexpected surprise -- I ran into an old coworker of mine, Brendan "Top Notch" Muldoon, back from the Van Ness era. Surprising because it's impossible to run into people you know in Los Angeles, really. But then, not surprising, because Brendan and Wilco are both from Chicago, so he loves them. He hasn't changed a bit -- comforting, somehow.

I don't know what reminded me of this...

When I was in college, I had a plan to drive from Dallas to Georgia to find Eudora Welty, who at the time held the title of oldest-living American writer. I had originally been spurred on by a Vanity Fair article I had read on one of many plane rides to Portland. Well, my window of opportunity has closed, since dear old Eudora has since passed. But what would I have said to her if/when I had met her anyway?

"Hi, Ms. Welty. I've only read one collection of your short stories, but I think you're great."

Or maybe...

"I don't mean to bother you, Ms. Welty, but I wanted to meet a living legend before it's too late."

Hmm. I don't really like either of those. I wonder, could I have even found her or gotten close to her? Would she have been receptive or even cognizant? Would her hands have been warm or cold and papery?

I don't regret much, but I do regret not having tried this...

Bend and Break

Several things -- lets see if I can't tie them all together...


1. Last night I witnessed the most violent car crash I've ever seen take place about 50 feet from where I was sitting in my car, safely behind the red light on Venice Blvd. I'll spare you the gory details, but it was a head-on collision between a sedan and SUV -- you can do the math. By the end, the car's front end was completely smashed in, and the SUV had hit and knocked down the traffic light post before it finally came to a stop. Truthfully, I was a bit shaken up by it -- this morning, as I drove back through that intersection, I thought about the people involved and how it's so easy to forget that your life can change so quickly -- in an instant.

2. On a less serious, but still accident-prone note...This morning, I found myself laughing out-loud at well, myself. I'm typically the first person to work, so I have to open up the gate to the parking lot when I arrive. It's usually a fairly easy process, but today I managed to dislodge one of the wheels from it's rail, but managed to catch the gate before it completely fell over. I wasn't strong enough to lift it the two-or-so inches to get the wheel back into place, so I ended up have to hold the gate up for about 10 minutes before Jesse pulled in. He managed to fix the gate, then gave me a hard time (in a good-natured way) which I deserved, because he had told me two days ago what to do to ensure the gate stayed in place. Duh.

3. That advice was not the only moment of recall I had this morning. Last night before going to bed, I was reading Sarah Vowell's open letter to Bill Clinton, giving him advice about his presidential library (from the Partly Cloudy Patriot). This morning, I checked the New York Times website, and there was an article about Bill Clinton's Presidential Library that's just opened in Little Rock.

4. And as if that weren't enough of strange, synergistic moment, I had an even bigger one yesterday. I've set this going to Estonia goal for myself, and last night, as I was telling my parents about it, they said that they had been considering their own trip guess when? 2006, that's right. So, it looks like we might all be going as a family, which I would love. I think it's going to be so special to go there with them, there's so much history there, I can't wait.

5. Finally, and really without any connection...I'm really loving this new band Keane. Some have described them as the "new Coldplay," who in turn have been described as the "new U2." But whatever, I don't like comparing musical artists to other musical artists. If you haven't heard these guys, check them out. I have been listening to their album Hopes and Fears repeatedly for the past couple of days, especially the track Bend and Break. I love this line:

If only I don't bend and break
I'll meet you on the other side
I'll meet you in the light
If only I don't suffocate
I'll meet you in the morning when you wake

This is where I'm going

Estonia Tallinn Old Town
Originally uploaded by Saucy Suse.

I've set a goal for myself to go to Estonia by 2006. A more ambitious version of myself would say by Summer of '05, but given my impending employment situation (or maybe I should say lack of employment situation), it may take longer to get there. Okay, 2006 by the latest.

I'm excited by the idea of getting back to my roots. Does anyone want to come along?

Space Cadet Moment

Driving to work today, I was amazed how much the tea I was drinking smelled like my hair product, because every time I brought the mug up to my mouth, I smelled the pomade. Curious, though not entirely ridiculous, since both are warmly scented, organic, top-o-the-line consumables...

Then I realized that despite washing my hands, the hair product smell still lingered on my fingers.

Right.

Don't Knock The Hustle

I saw Jay'Z's concert film Fade to Black tonight.

I love hip-hop. But only when it's honest. Sometimes rappers tend to rap only about hos and bling and drugs. But sometimes, they tell it like it is. Your mind might go automatically to the "socially aware" types like Tribe Called Quest, Mos Def and Talib Kweli, but Jay-Z's got it, too.

What I loved most about the film was seeing Jay-Z's creative process in the scenes that show the making of the Black Album -- you literally see his wheels turning, he's so smart. I think people can smell a con a mile away. When someone tries to create or write from a place that's not honest, or about something they don't know, it shows. Although, the converse of that is true, too. People can pinpoint truth and experience as well -- it's relatable, it's inspiring. Jay's the same way. Not only are the beats hot, but he rhymes about things that are true for him, and it's so obvious. He's so smart, and what he's doing means a lot to him, you can see it on his face.

The concert portions of the film were amazing, too. Maybe I have the editing to thank for it, but I felt like I was there, in Madison Square Garden, watching the show. And I wish I had been, let me tell you. I think it would be so much more satisfying to be a rockstar than an actor. Not that I have aspirations either way, but in my pipe-dream fantasy-world, getting up on stage and singing my ass off in front of tens-of-thousands of people seems way more of an adrenaline rush. Because they're all there to see YOU. I mean, rockstars aren't the only ones -- look at Hitler or even someone like Billy Graham. I think it was Bono who said that "you start to believe your own bullshit," when that many people are hanging on your every word and action. Which, admittedly, I think would be a very dangerous thing. You'd either need to not have an ego at all, or surround yourself with such unbelievably grounded people that they'll snap you back into place if you get out of hand.

I think really what this movie did was help solidify something I've been thinking about lately -- most people in this world are unaware of what's around them. They float around through life, hypnotized and numb to all the brilliant beauty and pain and subtley and goodness and evil in the world. You see them everyday, hell, maybe you are one. But, if you're one capable of thinking and existing on that higher level -- you have a responsibility to use that capacity for good. You can't squander what you have. Whether you make an impact locally or globally, you'd better damn-well make one somehow....

Okay, that's enough for one night, off to make soup.

Long Way 'Round

Excuse the tone of this post if it starts to sound delirious, but it's 11:45, and I only slept 3.5 hours last night -- which, for this girl, is not exactly enough to carry me through the day.


Sandra, what were you doing until 4am?

Good question -- here's a good answer. I was talking. No drinking, no smoking, no anything, just talking like I was never going to talk again. This long, drawn-out conversation was with Justin, who's about the only person in this city at the moment with whom I can have these types of marathon gab-fests. It was a wind-me-up-and-watch-me-go type of thing. Once you get me really started, I have a hard time stopping.

Okay, so what did you talk about?

Umm, everything. The new Eminem album, his various projects on the horizon, relationships, the mid-20's Existential crisis, "moments of greatness," going out gracefully vs. dragging out one's career, education, Sartre, American Idol....I think that's it, there might have been more. Have you ever had one of those conversations that are almost cathartic in nature? Like once you get those words and thoughts out of your system, you forget them? It's like they've been purged? Not in a negative way, necessarily, but once that's all out in the ether, it doesn't creep back into you head.

So, technically, I left Justin's at about 2:45, but I went for a drive afterwards (as in, one longer than the actual drive home), which landed me at home at around 3:30, and then I got distracted watching U2 videos on iTunes.


Which left me with today. After walking to Samy's Camera to drop off film, then to the library to check on my holds (nothing's in yet), and then getting breakfast from the Habit, I came home, read for a bit, talked to my folks, went to Target for a couple of things, and then to Whole Foods to get some ingredients to go with some soft tofu I bought the other day. I decided I'm going to make a nice soup with garlic, onion, red peppers, snow peas, and mushrooms. But that's for tomorrow.

Later, I went to Nina's and got my television fix. We watched this amazing documentary about Andy Goldsworthy, a British artist who works with nature -- literally. Ice, rock, water, clay....he's getting his own post soon. We also watched two Tivo'ed (brilliant) episodes of a show called Long Way 'Round -- Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman's world-wide motorcycle trek. It's a really engaging show. Their travels through Eastern Europe made me want to head to Estonia right this second. All of Khazikstan and the Bone Church in the Czech Republic were particularly intriguing. Also, Ewan McGregor is not hard on the eyes...

So, here I am, nestled in my sleeping bag, on the couch, because I don't want to sleep in my bed (for no particular reason).

"Sushi Chef" is hard to say three times fast.

Sushi's a funny thing. It's small, so you don't think you're eating very much, but by the time you get done with it, you feel so full.

Last night, Nina and I played catch-up at a Japanese restaurant in Marina del Rey. We were greeted at the door by the sushi chefs' shouted hellos. We added our shoes to the pile in the foyer, and then sat down on the floor at our table, dangling our feet off the edge of the hole our table sat in. We drank green tea and ate miso soup and cucumber salad. Nina ordered sashimi and I had salmon roll, yellowtail, and tuna.

Later, we went to see their new house in Westchester, near the airport. Nina doesn't have the keys yet, and it was dark, so I was only able to see the dimly-lit outside of the place, but it looked adorable. We then went to Home Depot and ruminated over paint chips and bathroom fixtures.

I love Home Depot...almost as much as the guy with the full on mullet I saw this morning on the drive to work.

Anyway...
If anyone's heard anything about Birth, what's the scoop? It sounds fascinating.

Also, if you have some time, read this. It's a year-long series the L.A. Weekly is doing on the Aguilar family in East L.A. They are a family struggling to get away from their past and move on to a better life. As you read their story, keep in mind that this is a fairly common story in some parts of Los Angeles.

Reading list

Here are the books I have on hold from the Los Angeles Public Library...

• Frank Lloyd Wright & Lewis Mumford: Thirty Years of Letters
• A Short History of Nearly Everything -- Bill Bryson
• The Mother Tongue: English and How it Got That Way -- Bill Bryson
• Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By In America -- Barbara Ehrenreich
• Free Culture: How Big Media Uses Technology and the Law to Lock Down Culture and Control Creativity -- Lawrence Lessig
• Story: Substance, Structure, Style and and Principles of Screenwriting -- Robert McKee
  
• The Question of God: C.S. Lewis and Sigmund Freud Debate God, Love, Sex and the Meaning of Life -- Armand Nicholi
• Stranger Than Fiction: True Stories -- Chuck Palahniuk
• Diary -- Chuck Palahniuk (on CD)
• Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers -- Mary Roach
• Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation -- Lynne Truss
• The Partly Cloudy Patriot -- Sarah Vowell
• Fast Girls: Teenage Tribes and the Myth of the Slut -- Emily White
  

I'm going to busy.

Somewhere, there's a sorority girl who's lost her red lip gloss.

Back in Los Angeles -- thank goodness.

It was damn fun to get to see my friends. It was not so great to have to be a blue-state girl stuck in a LARGE RED STATE for several days. I will elaborate tomorrow, when I get some more mental energy, but here's a quick highlight reel...

Spending time with Annelies and Katy (partners in crime).
Annelies's darling mother cooking us authentic Mexican breakfast twice.
Hijacking the rental car.
White Rock Lake with Laura.
Anytime with Laura, really.
Seeing Jennifer, Janie, Jeff and Buz (yeah, I know I guy named Buz) for the first time in about 2.5 years.
Dinner at Buca di Beppo.
The Alabama Bottle Band at Club Dada.
Seeing my freshman year RA, Betsy, who hasn't changed AT ALL.
Lunch at Eatzi's.
The SMU hoodie I bought (which, by the way, is the only piece of college paraphenalia I own).
Dinner with Katy's friend Matt at the Dream Cafe.
Karaoke at a gay country-western bar.
'The Incredibles.'
Trying to break into the Nasher Museum.
Elotes at the Paletas Frutitas in South Dallas.
Watching 'Pimp My Ride' before going to the airport.

Going to crash...it's like midnight for me.

Dallas or Bust

HEY!

I leave for Dallas this evening. Some of you reading this are going to be there as well. It'll be good to get the fuck out of dodge for a few days. I haven't been out of town since.....May (wow, has it really been that long?).

My new camera came yesterday. You can check it out here. The thing's awesome -- it even came with an instruction manual in Russian (lot of good that's going to do me). The only thing I'm worried about is the fact that it doesn't have an internal light meter, so I think it's going to be touch and go for awhile as I try and get that down. But hey, it'll be a challenge, and it'll only make me a better photographer....and isn't that what life's all about? Going after the challenge?

And congrats to my friend Justin, who just earned his first paycheck from screenwriting. Hope there's many more to come.

Two Words: Barack Obama

First off, read this.

The morning after -- get up, brush yourself off.

It's okay, only four more years. Four years? I'll be 28. Okay, that's still not old, but a LOT can happen in that amount of time.

Would it really have made that much of a difference, if Kerry had won? Maybe yes, maybe no. I suppose now we'll never know. I think it's time to move on from this. Cut our losses, look ahead. Kerry can't be the best the Democrats can throw at us. There will be new hopes -- take the new Senator Elect from Illinois. Only the third black man since Reconstruction to be elected to the Senate (have we really only come that far?). Keep your eyes on this one.

(ps) I think Peter Jennings should make ABC pay him by the minute. That man has more on-camera stamina than anyone I've ever seen.

I almost caught my pants on fire today

Yup, that's right. My pajamas got a little too close to the heater in the bathroom this morning. Good thing I have a keen nose.

I also went and voted this morning. I waited in line next to Doris Green, who's lived in the same house in Venice since Pearl Harbor Day in 1944. It was the first time I had voted at a polling place -- previously, I had done so by mail. You know, for all the wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth (and lawsuits) that will ensue before this election is won, it was a decidedly cool thing to be able to cast my ballot. There's something very patriotic (urgh, I hate that word) about it. Beyond being a civic duty, it's a privilege. Think about all the people in the world who would love to have a hand in their countries' decision-making.

So, returns should be coming in in a couple of hours. May the best man win, I suppose.

the happy medium

My polling precinct number is 26655, an apartment at 609 California Avenue, about a block down from my place.

I will be there early, with bells on.

Happy November, people. This has historically been my favorite month, and it promises to be a wild and wooly one.

Isn't that funny -- when you're bored, you want life to be exciting. When you've got shit going on, you just want things to be quiet. What a conundrum...